Reading 43

The following passage is adapted from the short story “In the Gloaming” by Alice Elliot (© 2001 by Alice Elliot).

1. He wanted to talk again, suddenly.
2. During the days, he still brooded,
3. scowling at the swimming pool
4. from the vantage point of his
5. wheelchair, where he sat covered
6. with blankets in spite of the
7. summer heat. In the evenings,
8. though, he became more like his
9. old old self, really. He became
10. sweeter, the way he’d been as a
11. child, before he began to gird
12. himself with layers of irony and
13. clever remarks. He spoke with
14. an openness that astonished her.
15. No one she knew talked that
16. way – no man at least. After he
17. was asleep, Janet would run
18. through the conversations in her
19. mind and realized what it was
20. she wished she’d said. She knew
21. she was generally considered
22. sincere, but that had more to do
23. with her being a good listener
24. than with how she expressed
25. herself.
26. A month earlier, after a
27. particularly long and grueling
28. visit with a friend who’d take the
29. train down to Wynnemoor from
30. New York, Laird had declared a
31. new policy: no visitors, no
32. telephone calls. She didn’t blame
33. him. People who hadn’t seen him
34. for a while were often shocked to
35. tears by his appearance, and
36. rather than having them cheer
37. him up, he felt obliged to comfort
38. them. She’d overheard bits of
39. some of those conversations. The
40. final one was no worse than
41. others, but Laird was fed up.
42. He’d said more than once that he
43. wasn’t cut out to be the brave
44. one, the one who would inspire
45. everybody to walk away from a
46. visit with him feeling uplifted
47. shaking their heads in wonder.
48. He had liked being the most
49. handsome and missed it very
50. much. When he’d had enough he
51. went into a self-imposed retreat,
52. complete with a wall of silence
53. and other ascetic practices that
54. kept him busy for several weeks.
55. Then he softened. Not only did
56. he want to talk again; he wanted
57. to talk to her. It began the night
58. they ate outside on the terrace
59. for the first time all summer.
60. Afterward, Martin—her husband
61. —got up to make a telephone call,
62. but Janet stayed in her wicker
63. chair, resting before clearing the
64. table. It was one of those
65. moments when she felt nostalgic
66. for cigarettes. On nights like
67. this, when the air was completely
68. still, she used to blow her famous
69. smoke rings for the children,
70. dutifully obeying their commands
71. to blow one through another or
72. three in a row, or to make big,
73. ropey circles that expanded as
74. they floated up to the heavens.
75. She did exactly as they wanted,
76. for as long as they wanted,
77. sometimes going through a
78. quarter of a pack before they
79. allowed her to stop. Incredibly,
80. neither Anne nor Laird became
81. smokers. Just the opposite they
82. nagged at her to quit and were
83. pleased when she finally did. She
84. wished they had been just a little
85. bit sorry. It was part of their
86. childhood coming to an end,
87. after all.
88. Out of habit, she took note of
89. the first lightning bug, the first
90. star. The lawn darkened, and the
91. flowers that had sulked in the
92. heat all day suddenly released
93. their perfumes. She laid her head
94. back on the rim of the chair and
95. closed her eyes. Soon she was
96. following Laird’s breathing and
97. found herself picking up the vital
98. rhythms, breathing along. How
99. many mothers spend so much
100. time with their thirty-three-year
101. old sons? She had as much of him
102. now as she’d had when he was an
103. infant—more, because she had the
104. memory of the intervening years
105. as well, to round out her thoughts
106. about him. When they sat quietly
107. together, she felt as close to him
108. as she ever had. It was still him in
109. there, inside the failing shell.
110. “The gloaming,” he said suddenly.
111. She nodded dreamily,
112. automatically, then sat up. She
113. turned to him. “What?” Although
114. she’d heard.
115. “I remember when I was little
116. you took me over to the picture
117. window and told me that in
118. Scotland this time of day was
119. called the ‘gloaming.’”
120. Her skin tingled. She cleared her
121. throat, quietly, taking care not to
122. make too much of the event that
123. he was talking again. “You
124. thought I said it was ‘gloomy.’”
125. He gave a smile, then looked at
126. her searchingly. “I always thought
127. it hurt you somehow that the day
128. was over, but you said it was a
129. beautiful time because for a few
130. moments the purple light made
131. the whole world look like the
132. Scottish highlands on a summer
133. night.”